Is this it?

Once again, i return to this place. damn sucks everytime i'm here it's to blog about unhappy stuff. when can the happy stuff start to fill this place? you were sick today and i went down to your place, cooked for you but ended up quarrelling.. during the quarrel smses, you asked me why wouldnt i be like the other girls, more gentle and good tempered? when you tell me such things, i just feel so broken do you know? i feel that you are starting to dislike me for being me. after so long, you still want me to be LIKE OTHER GIRLS.. sighs i've never felt so sucky before in this relationship. so sick of it. even the previous quarrels are nothing compared to this.. i cant be other girls because i am me. if you really want a gf who is gentle, kind, slim and whatever then go find them. i am not the one for you. i cant be that and i cant imagine me being that. my heart is hurting but no one knows..

Forgotten

It's times like this where i feel forgotten, forgotten in your world. Saw you online @ FB but didnt initiate chat. Thinking that you are online, i purposely signed into MSN thinking that you would come up and chat, but still, it's that silence. Been busy the whole day and back late, but no sms. Thinking that you MIGHT drop me an sms/call and ask where am i, but.. Is this the space you are looking for? If so make it clear to me. Well, what can i say? this kind of silence will only leave us further apart but if that's what you want, i will quietly walk away, slowly but surely. I am tired of this relationship already. Very very tired and i dont think i am suitable for u..

Brokenness

I really don't understand how can someone make me happy memories and at the same time make me feel so broken? Asking you gf to leave u alone?? I really think that I am very silly crying and feeling very sad knowning well that in your eyes, you simply don't give a damn.. Was I really wrong to have given ourselves a second chance? If I hadn't, maybe I would be spared from all this heart broken ness. Today I've seen how hardhearted you can be towards me.. Maybe it was me who took the wrong step in the beginning but don't u have a role to play in all these? Sometimes I wished I could be brave enough to just walk away from all these but deep inside I knew I couldn't just walk away ignoring how I feel in my heart. All the cover-ups, all the stupid SMS and phone calls?! I called you because I felt lonely.. My phone dint even ring at all the whole day. Like I was forgotten.. Do you ever had such a feeling? Guess you would never be able to feel how I am feeling now just like how you will never understand me no matter how much I wished you would and make concessions for me. Am I just like any other of your exs, due to be on your expired list? :~(

What's the point of staying together if you're nt happy in it? The unhappy memories supercede the happy ones? Or maybe we have given up on giving ourselves or creating happy memories for us.. We are just too cowardly, afraid of being the one to say that we want quits. I'm tired.. Tired of you, of myself. Think I've hated myself more than ever since I got into this relationship. Many regretful things too.. Things I wished I hadn't done, things that I've said that hurt u and of course things that u say that will break my heart over and over again. Maybe this time round we will have the break for good.. How I wished I could fill all these spaces on my blog with unforgettable memories or happy memories that we hold on to, but instead this has become a channel for me to express my unhappiness towards you and how much I wished at times we understood each other more, times where we show our love for each other.. But I'm uncertAin that such a time would ever come.. For now, I just wished that I was alone, maybe I just wasn't ready..

2 things that the LORD showed me during the Holidays

In the month of June, GOD made use of the holidays and showed me 2 things.

1. He put in the place where i am now to teach me some lessons he wants me to learn. ( Overcoming discouragement)

During one of the service, Pastor talked about overcoming discouragement, i dont know why but the message is still stuck in my head till now. Pastor spoke about why izit that we feel discouraged at times and how should we overcome it. At the beginning of the year, i felt really discouraged with what i was doing, the low pay, low returns, long hours etc. but after listening to that particular sermon, i felt that the Holy Spirit was telling me why was i placed in teaching. God definitely had a lesson for me. Pastor also spoke that even if we are discouraged by the current situation we are facing in the job now and changed another job, we would face the same situation too because that is what God wanted me to learn in the first place, just that i hadnt learnt it and changed the environment. So even if i had changed the environment, GOd would still want me to learn the same old lesson. For now, i will work obediently and listen to God's prompting in directing my career's path. :)

2. Consider the greatness and goodness of God

In Service ytd, Pastor shared a very powerful sermon that i felt that GOD was warning me about the things that i am doing. We should not take God's grace for granted. How many times have i sinned and went before GOd asking him for his forgiveness? Things i knew was wrong but yet i chose to do it. One thing that stood out for me in the sermon was the spirit of inferiority. Guess i never felt contented with what i had, wishing i had more, a richer bf? a higher paying job? a slimmer body? i dont know the list just goes on.. but aft listening to the sermon, *shouts out loud* I get the picture LORD. thank God for Pastor who shared the word.

During the holidays, it had been mad shopping and a mini retreat at Bintan, though i felt that physically i didnt get much rest but spiritually, GOD spoke to me thru the sermons this two aspects of my life which are very impt to me. It's now time to get ready for the next half of the year. Behold my friend. :)))

Wedding Ring

This is damn chio. Really want it to be my wedding ring. woohoo. Shall find out the name of the gem in the center. :))

Bizarre Dream..

Read this from my friend's FB post. -Letting go doesn't mean you've given up, but rather accepting some things that cannot be. - Annonymous

Bizarre dream last night left me lingering for more.. hmmm Now David Tao's 爱很简单is playing in my head. COz last night u sang it to me.. :(( 爱真的有那么简单吗？

我们的约定

一个简单的约定，至今还深刻地落印在我的脑海里... 记得那一次我俩在等巴士，你对我说，如果我们俩在四十岁时还没找到自己的另一半，我们就当对方终老的那一方...你还记得吗？一个幼稚的想法，我竟然会记得如此久，但不知你是否已经把它忘了？这时的我真的很想让时光倒流... ... 那几十个“如果当初”... ... 如果当初我们在一起... ... 如果当初我没有... ...人生里到底能让我有几个"如果当初"呢?

Shucks

Thought I had gotten over you.. But things aren't so simple.. I can't get u out of my head!!! Whatever happened 4years back I thought I had forgotten about it.. BUT all these are all my一厢情愿 you aren't even aware of it!! Hw dumb can I get arrgh.. Wake up your idea la pss

爱的告白还是爱的告别呢？

我怎么能如此下贱呢？电话的另一端的你正和我聊天，但我心里想的却是另一个人... 或许我不是一个专一的人.. 不管是爱情还是事业都是如此.. 不知什么时候开始对你有感觉，心里都会不由得想着你.. ，对你来说我们只是普通朋友，但我知道如果能重来一次， 结局肯定会是不同的.. 我应该放手一搏吗？ 但我又担心自己只是一时冲动.. 明知你不能给我的，但却死心眼要胡思乱想。我该怎么办呢？ 我和他五年来的感情也只不过如此？ 因为我们都试过了，但感情终究淡了，可能谈不上进入令一段感情，但或许我应该回味一下一个人的生活.. 现在的我只能不停的胡思乱想，等待着你拒绝我吗？

New beginning

I didn't expect to abandon my blog for so damn long and finally I'm blogging frm my iPhone!! I guess it's only times like this I rmb that I still have this channel to vent my frustration.. It's been almost five years already but sometimes I still feel damn sucks. If you can't carry outbwhat you've told me then y did u even say it in the first place?? Is it just to make me feel happy for that one second? Coz at the end of the day, with one " I forget" or " I already fall asleep" as your excuse and u expect me to forgive u? Y do u want me to make me feel that u really cared bt after a while throw me down frm heaven again? To I this may be a small issue bt it has been repeating itself and I am damn sick of it.. Can't u grow up? And y can't I be just more Xiao sa and just forget this whole thing? What is exactly holding me back? Sigh.. Maybe I have been watchig too much " bai quan nv wang" and start to live in fantasy again but today's matter is like dejavu.. It has happened so often. Am I really just your weekend partner??

没有在一起的第十二天

今天, 我们一起参加了礼拜。虽然我们不应该见面的，但在不属于“情侣”身份的我们一起参加了礼拜，意义上好像和以往不同。在你的眼里，我看到了你对我们这段爱情的渴望。在我上巴士之前，因为你站在马路上很危险，我主动拉了你的手腕。没想到你却牵了我的手... ... 也只有在那时候，我真正感觉到我们的这段感情对你来说是如此的重要。虽然我也很怀念有你在我身边的日子，但我必须在这段日子中离开，让我真正确认这份感情对我来说到底是什么。我心里到底想要什么。看着身边的好朋友和老公闹翻了，还搞到要离婚，我想想清楚，你是否就是我要定终身的那个人。虽然现在说起来还是有点儿早，但毕竟我们在一起也四年多了，我们真的该想一想在未来的日子该怎么办... ... 我还有多两个半星期的时间想清楚... ...愿我能得到一个双赢的答案。

加油！

没有在一起的第八天

Today, i went shopping at JB. I guess for me, exercising and shopping makes everything feel much better. Dint really spend much only gt 2 pairs of earrings, hair conditioner and treated my feet to french pedi.. Though a part of me wanted him to drop me an sms or even a call, another part of me just wanted to enjoy all the quietness my phone is giving me. See, told you i'm so indecisive towards these. arrgh bt anyhow, since this is the break i suggested, it should be a break and not to have any contacts or whatsoever. Let me slowly find out and discover my hearts' desire.. Sat- GU JUN PYO's coming to town! woohoo~

没有在一起的第七天

这几天，虽然没有以往的那些电话和简讯，但星期六在礼拜后，我心里好像是有了一个决定。虽然如此，今天，我的心里的感受又好像不同了... ... 感觉上，我好像是不想失去这个朋友，而不是这个情人。虽然恋爱的感觉淡了，但友情的感觉却加深了。我不想放手是因为我真的还爱你吗？还是因为我不敢去面对一个人的日子？庆幸的是，我还有三个多星期的时间，好好的想清楚我心里到底要的是什么，我不想再有那种“不想有人烦”的感觉。我想找回当初选择在一起的感觉... ...

你说可能吗？

没有在一起的第五天

今天，我和他碰面了。虽然只不过是短短的五分钟，但一切的感觉好像不如以前了。再也没有期待，再也没有那种“恨不得赶快见到对方”的感觉了。感觉上好像是两个朋友碰个面罢了。临走前，我主动给了他一个拥抱，但抱在怀里的感觉也不如从前了。少了那种“不想放手”的感觉，多了“朋友”的feel。哎！我也该是时候醒醒了。我和晶晶谈了很久，她告诉我其实他为人不错，只不过是我一时鬼遮眼，头脑想歪了，她也觉得我们在一起是会很幸福的... ...


为什么自身在幸福中的我不能感受到幸福呢？是不是像他所说的，我对他人的期望太高了呢？脑子和心里想的都是一些不实际的东西？我也希望能赶快从恶梦中醒来，发现自己是幸福的。但愿我也能珍惜一切、一切的幸福。

今天的你，幸福吗？

没有在一起的第三天

我心里想要什么，我自己也不清楚... ... 我想要的真的是这样吗？那时候做的决定，现在回想起来好像没多大意义。 我应该给我们最后的一个机会吗？

没有一起的第二天

友情和爱情之间一定要我选择吗？

没有在一起的第一天

昨天晚上，我做了一个决定。这个决定是对是错，到现在我还分不清楚。今天是第一天，或许我
还没有任何很深刻的想法，但是女人都是犯贱的，拥有的却不懂得珍惜，一旦失去了，心里又好像放不下似的。也因为这样，我给他发了两三个简讯、通了一通电话。但是在通了电话后，心里更加难受。没有发简讯、通话的日子虽只有仅一天，但却令我有点儿坐立不安。但是，通了电话后，听到另一方传来的声音，心里并没有好受一点。他说：“我还是会关心你的”我反问：“你没有发简讯没有打电话给我，怎么关心我？？”他：“当你打给我的时候，我就会关心你呀...这一切不是你要的吗？这一段冷静期不是你提出的吗？”确实如此，但是我心里并不清楚我想要的是什么... 或许现在的我正在等待着另一个能给我关怀、温暖的人吧... 我也想学着放手... ...

At the crossroads

Work

Wow.. it's mean a damn long period of time since i last blogged. Guess i've been too lazy and whatsnot to even start blogging.. we've got facebook wah..heh but anyways.. i'm doing good in what i'm doing except! that today a girl came up and asked me how to do a p5maths question and i did it wrongly! kns until her friend had to come up to me and tell me that what i did was wrong.. :( haha so the moral of the story is: teach chinese :) waha so paisey felt like digging a hole and burying myself inside.

Love

L-O-V-E this 4 letter word is so simple yet so complicated at the same time. I am having the feeling of being at the crossroads.. the choice is to be or not to be. i do not know and i am afraid to choose. I have been having these thoughts for more than a month already. Ever since i finished watching the BBF, i started having wild thoughts. It's every girl's dream to be with a $_$ guy but even if the guy isnt $_$ at least he should be manly or with a strong personality or something? sighs i dont know la. but the Gu Jun Pyo lovestruck thingy seems to have died down but the rollercoaster in my heart hasnt stop! arrgh i do not know what to do now man. sucks.. arrgh i want to tell someone abt hw i feel bt i dont know hw and where to start. one of my colleagues know hw i'm feeling coz she had the same experience before bt still the reason to separate was not the same. I am shocked at the rate of how i have become so materialistic in such a short period of time.. I think i need some time to cool down and think through things.. i dont want to make any decisions now because i am afraid that if i do, i will regret later on.. it is easy to say it but to bring it all back again, it will definitely take a lot more effort. till then even if i do put in that much effort, i dont think things will be the same anymore..

Friends

One happy thing that happened this week----> I found a part of my primary school friends using Facebook!!! Wow friends that i have lost touch with ever since i graduated from school. I am certainly amazed by technology.. heh Maybe i should organise a gathering for all soon. Bt it seems like they are all overseas studying! hmm we'll see how it goes~

Durian puff baking

Thought i would be busy baking this whole holis bt end up baking once only.. heh bt better than nothing hor.. waha whole holiday nua until put on weight.. omg cant imagine man.. bt now let me present to you the best pastry in the world.. Jing suggested selling them.. heh actually i dont mind :P waha we'll see..

LIU LIAN PUFF.. haha it's the nicest slurrrp :P

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Fresh durians

Mixture
Durian peeler licking his gloved fingers.. haha :X

Freshly baked out from the oven
Spoonsful of durian!

Ultimate durian puff. If i sell one of these for 60cents would you buy? haha
Baker and Peeler of the day.

P.S ignore the double chin please. heh

So tired today.. so fast the one month holiday is over.. cant imagine. in a blink of eye i cant nua anymore.. heh need to use the last week to energise myself and charge my battery for the next half of the year.. Hopefully i will get more chances to bake and organise gatherings for my friends.. heh nx outing.. Aloy's bday? haha we'll see hw.. till then.. BYe ByE

* can you smell my puffs from your desk? haha ;)