Back again-- for bad

Here I am again, gonna vent my anger, frustration, brokenness, disappointment! Everything negative. I can't believe u actually blamed me for nt booking the hotels/chalet early to celebrate our 5th anniversary?! If it's truly my fault, I apologize.. Bt I knew tt for our anniversary I'm even more excited than you are, to mark this milestone in our lives.. I can't believe tt you actually said I didn't tell u earlier. You were the one who said that you didn't have the money and didn't really want to organise anything special for it and now it's my fault? God! The BBQ was specially organized for u coz u said u missed BBQ food and now you're telling me tt u can't cme coz u have to go hiking? Am I asking too much from you or izit that you can't really be bothered to do anything for us anymore? Sometimes I really wished tt u wld read all these by chance and give me all the answers I am looking for.. You were the one who said tt u wld treasure the annual anniversaries and I just cant believe tt u asked me if we were still celebrating?! I hate to say this, but I thought I heard a sense of relief when you asked me tt, hoping tt I would say "yes" let's just not meet and celebrate.. Maybe to u, all this is nothing? I've always been the joke? Or is it that I'm just not worth you of all the efforts... ...

Is this it?

Once again, i return to this place. damn sucks everytime i'm here it's to blog about unhappy stuff. when can the happy stuff start to fill this place? you were sick today and i went down to your place, cooked for you but ended up quarrelling.. during the quarrel smses, you asked me why wouldnt i be like the other girls, more gentle and good tempered? when you tell me such things, i just feel so broken do you know? i feel that you are starting to dislike me for being me. after so long, you still want me to be LIKE OTHER GIRLS.. sighs i've never felt so sucky before in this relationship. so sick of it. even the previous quarrels are nothing compared to this.. i cant be other girls because i am me. if you really want a gf who is gentle, kind, slim and whatever then go find them. i am not the one for you. i cant be that and i cant imagine me being that. my heart is hurting but no one knows..

Forgotten

It's times like this where i feel forgotten, forgotten in your world. Saw you online @ FB but didnt initiate chat. Thinking that you are online, i purposely signed into MSN thinking that you would come up and chat, but still, it's that silence. Been busy the whole day and back late, but no sms. Thinking that you MIGHT drop me an sms/call and ask where am i, but.. Is this the space you are looking for? If so make it clear to me. Well, what can i say? this kind of silence will only leave us further apart but if that's what you want, i will quietly walk away, slowly but surely. I am tired of this relationship already. Very very tired and i dont think i am suitable for u..

Brokenness

I really don't understand how can someone make me happy memories and at the same time make me feel so broken? Asking you gf to leave u alone?? I really think that I am very silly crying and feeling very sad knowning well that in your eyes, you simply don't give a damn.. Was I really wrong to have given ourselves a second chance? If I hadn't, maybe I would be spared from all this heart broken ness. Today I've seen how hardhearted you can be towards me.. Maybe it was me who took the wrong step in the beginning but don't u have a role to play in all these? Sometimes I wished I could be brave enough to just walk away from all these but deep inside I knew I couldn't just walk away ignoring how I feel in my heart. All the cover-ups, all the stupid SMS and phone calls?! I called you because I felt lonely.. My phone dint even ring at all the whole day. Like I was forgotten.. Do you ever had such a feeling? Guess you would never be able to feel how I am feeling now just like how you will never understand me no matter how much I wished you would and make concessions for me. Am I just like any other of your exs, due to be on your expired list? :~(

What's the point of staying together if you're nt happy in it? The unhappy memories supercede the happy ones? Or maybe we have given up on giving ourselves or creating happy memories for us.. We are just too cowardly, afraid of being the one to say that we want quits. I'm tired.. Tired of you, of myself. Think I've hated myself more than ever since I got into this relationship. Many regretful things too.. Things I wished I hadn't done, things that I've said that hurt u and of course things that u say that will break my heart over and over again. Maybe this time round we will have the break for good.. How I wished I could fill all these spaces on my blog with unforgettable memories or happy memories that we hold on to, but instead this has become a channel for me to express my unhappiness towards you and how much I wished at times we understood each other more, times where we show our love for each other.. But I'm uncertAin that such a time would ever come.. For now, I just wished that I was alone, maybe I just wasn't ready..

2 things that the LORD showed me during the Holidays

In the month of June, GOD made use of the holidays and showed me 2 things.

1. He put in the place where i am now to teach me some lessons he wants me to learn. ( Overcoming discouragement)

During one of the service, Pastor talked about overcoming discouragement, i dont know why but the message is still stuck in my head till now. Pastor spoke about why izit that we feel discouraged at times and how should we overcome it. At the beginning of the year, i felt really discouraged with what i was doing, the low pay, low returns, long hours etc. but after listening to that particular sermon, i felt that the Holy Spirit was telling me why was i placed in teaching. God definitely had a lesson for me. Pastor also spoke that even if we are discouraged by the current situation we are facing in the job now and changed another job, we would face the same situation too because that is what God wanted me to learn in the first place, just that i hadnt learnt it and changed the environment. So even if i had changed the environment, GOd would still want me to learn the same old lesson. For now, i will work obediently and listen to God's prompting in directing my career's path. :)

2. Consider the greatness and goodness of God

In Service ytd, Pastor shared a very powerful sermon that i felt that GOD was warning me about the things that i am doing. We should not take God's grace for granted. How many times have i sinned and went before GOd asking him for his forgiveness? Things i knew was wrong but yet i chose to do it. One thing that stood out for me in the sermon was the spirit of inferiority. Guess i never felt contented with what i had, wishing i had more, a richer bf? a higher paying job? a slimmer body? i dont know the list just goes on.. but aft listening to the sermon, *shouts out loud* I get the picture LORD. thank God for Pastor who shared the word.

During the holidays, it had been mad shopping and a mini retreat at Bintan, though i felt that physically i didnt get much rest but spiritually, GOD spoke to me thru the sermons this two aspects of my life which are very impt to me. It's now time to get ready for the next half of the year. Behold my friend. :)))

Wedding Ring

This is damn chio. Really want it to be my wedding ring. woohoo. Shall find out the name of the gem in the center. :))

Bizarre Dream..

Read this from my friend's FB post. -Letting go doesn't mean you've given up, but rather accepting some things that cannot be. - Annonymous

Bizarre dream last night left me lingering for more.. hmmm Now David Tao's 爱很简单is playing in my head. COz last night u sang it to me.. :(( 爱真的有那么简单吗？